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Soul Realignment

I am a FIRE STARTER!

There is no option, I am- solid at work. 

I am- loved at home and I love those who fill my life with joy and comfort- there’s no options.

I don’t run. I don’t hide. (( I don’t hide.)) 

I improve on what is there or switch it up- without loss or contempt. 

I have the power to create heathy habits that improve my state of being and the world around me. 

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Now, I will begin. 

MY HAPPINESS DEPENDS UPON THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF MY FAMILY. My happiness depends upon my childrens education through my influence. This is the main means of transmission of the love, and attention these guys receive. 

The all important – PREPARATION. 

Every evening: 7:30 pm – Camden’s Bath, Teeth & Dressing. 

SLEEP: Camden and I need to feel healthy and ready for the daytime hours. Awareness of the time and tracking the hrs is crucial. Melatonin & dyphahydromine is taken at 8, 9pm -All electronics are shut off. 

AWAKE: The day begins at 6am! Pronto.

EVENING FIRE STARTER: this is list of household responsibilities for my beloved family. 

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That New Apt.

Scrambled through Craigslist and Hotpads ISO that place we need within the greater Portland peninsula. A quality 3 bedrm apartment, pet friendly dogs, cats, birdies. Preferably in the west ends arts district; off High, State, Spring, Bracket, Congress etc. Priced at 1000.-1300. 

Camden will have his doggy. 

My day off tomorrow will be composed of calling, viewing, and seeking out.

But first… Camdens social security paperwork will be mailed and management will be called in again, to fix the kitchen sink drain pipe. 

There’s not one thing about tomorrow, that I can’t handle. (((( Rawrrr!! ))))

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#wonderwoman #appointments #health 

My boy Camden needs a cleaning, probably fillings, and definitely some orthodontic work done. I called his dentist to make an appointment, but could only reach their voice mail. Hopefully someone calls back by the end of the day.

Update: Dentist called! He has an appointment at 11am tomorrow. The office has moved to a building much closer to us now! Nice!

Update: Dental visit done. In the storm no less. With almost everything closed, as well as school, I decided to go early figuring most people had cancelled their appointments and I was right. 😛  Camden had two sm cavities on a couple baby teeth. These teeth are loose and ready to pop out on their own, so there wasn’t a need to fill them.

As for me.

I’ve been ordering contact lenses (circle lenses, to legit Canadian manufacturers) and glasses online for many, many yrs now without a prescription. Some companies, websites and brands have been complete fails, but overall I’d had great success, until recently. I’ve experienced a gradual, but quick lose in eyesight. It could be my cataracts or purely the fact that I’m aging. My eyes have been so dry, uncomfortable and ache every minute of every day. Not to mention how tough it is to greet people as they walk through the hotel doors w/ “Welcome to ((___))!” Whilst not being able to see them.
I’d been calling around, and stopping into places that usually except walk-ins, but over the past few months they’ve all told me they were booked till March-April. I’m impulsive, and impatient; when it comes to ‘my’ needs, I refuse to plan or arrange appointments. For some odd reason I make appointments for my children, but not for me. I need something, I get it. With my children- I refuse to take the risk in not getting it, or fuck it… Till the next time I think about.

Anyhow,

Walmart in Scarborough Maine has an optometrist, and eyewear/lense kiosk! I’m going to try on steel gray AirOptics! There’s a storm abrewing tomorrow so they had cancellations. Lucky me!! Uber will be my ride.

Eye health exam + contact lense exam w/ prescription $150. Tomorrow will be fucking amazing! 🙂 

Update: my visit was perfect. I was honest about my illegal contact lense purchases; of which he was none too pleased. Received one pair of monthlies to go home in. So so comfy. I can actually see now. From -3.50 so -3.75 do to -4.50/-4.75.

Today was a good day. 

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Negotiated. 

Spoke to my GM for over an hour yesterday after work. He’d come up to me and asked me if I’d changed my mind yet. In my work mind state I had no idea what to say. Responded with my typical patented unreadiness “OK, now I can’t function.”

He asked me to speak with him at the end of the day. What do I say, what do I do…. when it all comes down?

I decided to negotiate.

#1. Move my clock in time up a half hour later – 7:30 am. I need to make sure my son gets on his school bus every morning.

#2. A Raise.

#3. ::Further:: one on one training. Based on billing and acquiring access to billing contacts and programs. 

Now, to wait for a meeting with my boss Mike and the GM on Friday. 

Mike may want to hire on others and go in a new direction. We’ll see. 

To be continued…

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Reality, personal satisfaction, ideals, body image… a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s been a good month since I quit taking a pill I was prescribed after my divorce. Before this pill I had struggled with unimaginable feelings of abandonment as well as anger, resentment and frustration and had multiple panic attacks daily. CELEXA. 3 months after I began taking it, I’d quit theripy and it was then prescribed by my PCP. I’d been urged to work myself off of it over this past 3 yrs. Well, I decided to not renew my prescription last month. It’s hard to say whether or not all these horrible feels I’m going through are reasonable. I can tell you that I’m immeasurably dissatisfied with my body and how I have put on extra weight over this past yr. I’ve lost much of the muscle mass and healthy habits I’d gained soon after my divorce. I don’t like complacency and I feel like I’m falling into myself again. Like my autistic sons 21 y/o Brenton and 12 y/o Dakota, I peer outside my head through my eyeballs and view an old wratchet ugliness like no other could possibly see. It had me running from the gym last night. Wrinkles, thickness, a wonky eye… All rolled up in an emotionally unstable person, of whom I myself can not control.

I am always the calm, reasonable shoulder to cry on. I’m always the pillar my guests call upon for protection and provisions. Yes, I hold it up.

Then I’m fucking running out’avah godang gym. So strange and unsettling for my perfect bf.

Anyhow. Going to exercise after my bath. I’m looking forward to ignoring all mirrors and focusing on my Netflix movie download and Fitbit’ch. I want’a see those numbers fly, and all my Fitbit challengers fall beneath me.

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Proud Woman, Under a Baby Blanket. 

It’s the first day of my last wk on the job at the hotel. It’s felt almost unbearable. My guests are amazing. Management angers me like you wouldn’t believe. I won’t get into that. I made it through. 

Tomorrow, as it’s Monday, I’ll be making appointments for Camden (my autistic 12 y/o son). Dental-immediete as he’s complaining of a toothache, well-child, SS Disability- to make sure they have this yrs paper work. It’s all a bit overwhelming and difficult to get done while working F/T, during business day/hours. I plan on leaving work early tomorrow. May not be into work on Tuesday. I’m trying to keep in mind that I need the job reference, so I can’t just ‘not’ complete the last wk of my notice. 

Despite how I feel when these assholes I work with talk to me, I need to stay proud and keep going till next Sunday. It’s not a long time.

Then, it will be over and time to start anew.

Tonight, after the bath I’m taking, I’ll be going to the gym and then doing taxes for Dakota and myself. This extra cash will be needed. 

Let’s get it!!

Update: went to the gym… Not fun. Spent a little over 15 minutes there. 😦 Cried like a baby and left. Then cried some more. 

Finished my taxes (thanks to my bf Neno!) using a free online app.. Getting a very nice refund back! WIN! Assisting my son w/ his tomorrow night. 

Neno and I finally fixed my Fitbit Charge 2. 

Fist bump! That things not been synking since Dec. It turns out, my cell phone case caused the Bluetooth to not pick up on the cell signals. A new cell case is in order. 

Tonight I’ll be tracking my sleep and planning for tomorrow. Steps, stairs, calories. Maybe joining a challenge. I’ve wanted to do that with this thing for the longest time! 

To do: make ‘all the’ appointments #1. Camdens dental -immediate! 

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