courage, spiritual

To the Universe:

I’m looking for support and strength from wherever I can find it. I’d like to ask my source, and whatever positive energy, angels etc… to stay with me and my boys during these difficult times. I’m struggling with a soon to be ex-husband. Married 10 yrs, seperate living 7 yrs (sex a handful of times the first yr, but that was it.)My 18 y/o child with aspergers is resisting growth and opportunity. My 16 y/o is in drivers ed, and desires to drive immediately even though I don’t drive or have a vehicle. (I need someone to help him practice and get the hrs he needs, in order to get his license.) I homeschool my soon to be 10 y/o, who is autistic and doesn’t exactly like to cooperate with me. I just need strength, courage and focus. I’d like a sign that everything will be OK, if possible. Thanks. 🙂

courage, volunteerism

Mission Possible: Volunteer!

Tomorrow I’m heading out to First Assembly Church to see if they will allow me to help out. I’ve got tons of meaning handling my children, but eventually I’d like to take a CNA course offered through MMC. I’ll need references. I don’t mind doing food distribution, and general stuff for helpful religious orgs even though I am an agnostic. I grew up subsisting on food pantries, so I know how it works. There are a few other places close to home where I can offer support as well. I’ll check them out and ask around for volunteer opportunities. I can keep busy and earn the references I need, doing some good for the community, without spending too much time out of the house and away from the kids.




Chin up. Smile, God Damn it!


I needn’t care.

I’ve cried today, but not exactly the weep, that had come on and off through these long yrs. I cried about his usual lack of connection, and care about all that I am. I don’t know exacting why I stopped caring about his disconnect from the kids. I’ve fallen into his trap and have blamed the boys, and myself, without looking at and remembering he his mental troubles. It’s hard to stay the course, and have the courage to move on. It takes tons of mental reworking, and rewiring.

At this point I have been living alone,(he moved out) as a single mom for probably over 6 yrs. Married to him for 10. While he was here I did everything while he sat in his room doing nothing for me or the boys. All our holidays were spent, with me and the boys…. Me doing everything while he avoided us like the plague. How on earth could a woman be put through so much suffering, really? Oh, man. If I had a daughter!! No way in hell would I allow anyone to treat her with this kind of crazy. Total abandonment. He has not touched me in over 7 yrs. Anyhow. Who the heck allows this in their life?! Lol! Oh my goodness.

Now, he’s gotten his license. He’s disconnected. He’s acting completely out of his mind. Like I said. Disconnected. Yelling at me about Paul(a man I slept w/3 yrs ago after he moved out)and doesn’t seem to know who I am anymore. He seems to be playing some control game (like he did when he lived with us) or he’s moving on with someone else.  I need not care!

I need to just get my divorce in order. All my guys keep me happy and this is what I need. Happy and healthy!